As I child I remember several stern lectures from my father.  It went something like, “Wah, wah wah wah.  Responsibility blah blah.  Blah.  Moisture bad.  Blah blah blah.  Makes wood rot.  Blah.  Wah Wah Wah.    If you don’t use the bathroom fan when you shower, the moisture will build up in the bathroom and rot the floors aned walls.  <voice of doooom> Then someday when you are taking a bath the tub will fall through the floor and you will die a horrible fiery death.</voice of doooom>” Thanks dad.   When I actually think about my childhood, it’s amazing that I am not more screwed up. 

Anyways, I grew up thinking that the purpose of a bathroom fan was to prevent me from dying a horrible fiery death when the tub fell through the bathroom floor (onto the kitchen stove?  I’m not sure where the fiery part came in).  It wasn’t until meeting my husband that I realized there was another, much more important purpose for the fan: to suck the sh!t smell out of my shower. 

I shared a bathroom (the one my dad thought was going to fall through the floor) with my sister for 14 years.  You would think (at some point) our schedules would have overlapped and I would have showered immediately after she took a dump.  In fact, I’m fairly certain that at some point, she took a dump while I was in the shower (she lacks a certain amount of modesty and and I liked long baths).  And yet, after fourteen years of sharing a bathroom with her,  I still didn’t realize that the purpose of a bathroom fan was to remove the poo smell from the room (not to prevent the tub from falling through the floor).  There is only one possible explanation for this.  My sister’s sh!t does not smell.

I was surprised that any guy (knowing my sister well enough to make her list) would agree. This isn’t because I think my sister isn’t date-able (or marry-able). I think my sister is absolutely fabulous. If I were a guy (and not related to her), I would *totally* date her. But most guys are a little commitment phobic. And if you know my sister well enough to make her list, then you probably know that she just might be crazy enough to go through with something like this. And if she *is* being serious and you decide to back out, it could be upsettingly messy.

[Unnamed Guy] is someone she dated four years ago. They broke up when she decided to leave graduate school in PA and move back to NY. They didn’t talk for 3.5 years. And they haven’t seen each other (or been within 100 miles of each other) in four years. But she proposed anyways. And he said yes.

And now they are playing “wedding chicken”. They are each trying to freak the other person out by being “totally serious” about this. But because they are trying to freak each other out by being “more serious” than each other, the plans are starting to progress at an alarming rate. He picked out a ring, but she didn’t freak out. She picked out a dress, but he didn’t freak out. They discussed location, living arrangements, kids, pets, jobs… And neither one of them is freaking out / backing down.

I’m starting to think she might actually serious about this (she claims to be 80% serious). I’ve never actually met [Unnamed Guy], so I don’t know if he is crazy enough to go through with it. But I’m fairly sure my sister is crazy enough to do it. And If someone doesn’t freak out and lose this game of wedding chicken soon, I see another sea-foam green bridesmaid dress with a giant bow on its ass in my future. Ewww!

I really assumed it would be a phase. I thought she would go once or twice, and then realize that getting up early on Sunday and having to “join hands” with strangers was not entirely enjoyable (Eww! Strangers in her personal space. Icky!). But she has persisted. And this past weekend she convinced me to join her. So at 11:15 on Sunday morning, I found myself at the local Unitarian Universalist Church. And somewhat shockingly, it wasn’t bad. I was somewhat familiar with the Unitarians and their principles. My “born-again” Christian acquaintances mocked them for being a “social club” not a religion. For those of you who aren’t familiar with them, the UU religion is based on seven principles:

• The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
• Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
• Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
• A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
• The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
• The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
• Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

And while they sometimes refer to themselves a religion in the Judeo-Christian tradition, there is really no mention of God (or Jesus). And I find that I almost entirely agree with all of their principles and everything that was said in the “sermon” (which basically bashed Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee for their intolerance, and talked about acceptance, tolerance and giving back to the community).So, my sister asked me what I thought. And the truth is, I agree with their principles. I’m amazed by their outreach programs. They are doing fantastic things for the community. They are raising a lot of $$$ for good projects. They are discouraging consumerism. They are teaching compassion. Their Sunday school classes addressed real topics, like humanist philosophy and real (not abstinence only) sex education. I generally liked them. But I don’t quite get the point. I mean, without the “god” part, and if you don’t have a spiritual void, then what is church? Is everyone there just for the bell choir (which was quite good)? I’m not sure what to tell my sister, because I didn’t dislike it. I just don’t quite “get” it. I feel like I am missing something…

** If Jesus was really all powerful, and really wanted an actual Christian to get the RPI Jesus scholarship, he would have given it to them. So, thanks Jesus. But, I still don’t like you.

Me: I don’t know what to call you in my OkCupid journal
Her: You could refer to me as “my sister”
Me: That is lame. I think from this point on I will refer to you as, “The artist formerly known as triangle_girl”
Her: What is my symbol?
Me: I don’t know. If it was a well known symbol I wouldn’t be calling it “the artist formerly known as triangle_girl”, I would call it as an “Exclamation Point” (or whatever its actual name was)
Her: Oh. But I want to know what my symbol is

At this point I went downstairs. When I returned she handed me a piece of paper. From this point on, she will be referred to as or when I am too lazy to link the the image (which will most likely be always), The Artist Formerly Known as Triangle_Girl.

On a completely unrelated note, I got an OkCupid email today that said, “hi how r u ……..where u from”. I rarely complain about the vast quantity of idiotic OkCupid emails I get. I’ve gotten used to the lame one line emails by now. I disabled “woos” – so I don’t have to deal with them**. But seriously, OkCupid posts my location information in about 4 billion places. If you are going to send me a lame one-line email, at least ask something interesting that isn’t posted in bold letters in 4 billion different places. Ask me if I prefer crunchy peanut butter or smooth peanut butter. Ask me why I think that belgian malinois are the absolute most perfect dog in the world. Ask me who would win in a fight, an alligator with a laser or a python with a .357 magnum. Ask me anything that even a (slightly literate) spastic gerbil on acid wouldn’t already be able to figure out.

** Except for the occasional person who circumvents the “disable woos” feature and sends me an email with message “woo” and nothing else. WTF? I disabled “woos” because I didn’t want to get silly messages that didn’t say anything. Do you think I am going to find it cute or innovative or something?