But the weird thing was that she didnt’ come to the door. She would drive over, and sit in her minivan drinking coffee until me and the dogs emerged. And that is weird. But very occasionally, my alarm would fail to go off. And she would wait a few minutes (I was usually pretty prompt) and then she would drive home. WTF? After driving home, she would call my sister to complain that I “stood her up”. This was weird on many levels. First, she went WAY out of her way to go walking with me in the mornings. You would think she would WANT to get me out of bed if I didn’t show up. And it wasn’t like she was afraid of waking her daughter — unless she likes my sister a lot less. Because she was perfectly willing to call my sister (waking her) as soon as she arrived home to complain about me. Also, she KNEW I had to be at work. If I overslept, she could probably assume that my alarm hadn’t gone off. And if she didn’t ring the doorbell, I would probably be late for work. I honestly don’t understand why she didn’t just come the door. My family is bizairre. And I assumed it was just my family.

Recently, there was an incident among some of my husband’s friends that required weird carpool coordination. Because of where everyone worked, and how many cars were available, it made sense for His friend to pick me up, and him to pick his friend’s wife up. So I was told that his friend would pick me up. I waited. He didn’t show up. I called my husband. He told me that his friend was running late. I waited more. Eventually I got a call from my husband. His friend was sitting in the driveway. He was sitting in the driveway and instead of coming to the door (which would have been what most people probably would have done) or calling me (which was also sort of acceptable). He called my husband’s cell phone. And asked my husband to call me. So my husband could let me know that he was sitting out in the driveway.

Why don’t people want to come to my door? Is it me? Do I smell bad? I’m going to get some sort of complex…

House1 (aka “Because in Berkeley Even your Farts Smell Yummy” House): This house is too small (1002 sq ft, 2 bedrooms / 1 bathroom). I mentioned earlier that my husband is a prolific pooper. I don’t like using the bathroom or showering right after he poops. With only one bathroom this will be an issue. There aren’t enough bedrooms. There aren’t enough bathrooms. If we have kids, we will have to share a bathroom with them. But they will go to great schools. The puppies don’t have a big yard. Really, this house is special because it is in Berkeley – where even your farts smell yummy (and they had better – because you are living in pretty cramped quarters).

House 2 (aka “I have a stained glass window in my tub, what else do I need?”) House: Its big (1721 sq ft, 3 beds / 2 baths). Its in Montclair (almost as swanky as Berkeley, and a lot prettier). It has a nifty fireplace and a stained glass window in the tub. It has pretty decks in back with views of trees. Did I mention the stained glass window in the HUGE tub?

House 3 (“Everything is perfect: Turquoise Stove, Brick Fireplace in the Backyard and a Creek” House…): (1782 sq ft, 3 bedrooms / 2 baths)Whoever took the photos of this house was an idiot. They missed all the charm. This house in historic Sheffield (Oakland Hills) has the original turquoise stove and copper accents in the kitchen. The yard is HUGE and has a stream. The house has charm everwhere – but lacks “swankiness”. I love it anyways. This house has everything we ever talked about wanting (except good schools)

House 4: “I’ll be eating ramen because I really can’t afford it, but it is so swanky that I don’t care” House: I think that just about cover it. This is a shiny house in Montclair with absolutely everything that I want (my husband wants a Garage, but I’m not practical about things like that – so the lack of a garage doesn’t bother me). The bank thinks I can afford it. I’m not so sure.

If it were you, where would you live?

In the moments when I think my blog can solve all the world’s annoying problems, I randomly google things like “getting people to read your blog“.   I find most articles contain useless blog recruitment advice.  But I have found one list that is decidedly helpful (well, probably not helpful, but at least amusing).  It contains advice like “Don’t write about your cat, your boyfriend or your kids.” 

I write about my husband a lot (my husband reads my blog, so writing about my boyfriend is off limits).  And I write about my puppies (I don’t have a cat – but I’ll assume that writing about puppies is just as bad).  But I never write about my kids, mostly because I don’t have any.  If I did, I’m sure I would turn into one of those annoying people who seems to think it is appropriate to talk about the consistency of their child’s defications  on my blog.  I don’t have kids for several reasons.  One of which is that I seem unaware of when children are present and incapable of filtering comments like “Filthy Cunt-Rag” and “Fuck-a-Duck” from my vocabulary.   This weekend I spent an hour teaching a friend’s nephew that it’s very important to pat your head three times before turning on a light switch.  It kept him entertained for a long time.  I’m not sure if this means that he isn’t that bright, or if all three year olds can be amused by running back an forth between two light switches, and patting their heads before turning them on, and off, and on, and off, and on…….  His parents probably hate me - or maybe they were just happy to have ten minutes of peace while someone else entertained their kid (even it it means he know thinks that patting your head is a necessary part of turning on the light).   I think the world is a better place when everyone has a few OCD tendencies like me. 

This post has no purpose (which apparently is bad for gaining blog readers).  But all of the useful advice (like, “Don’t be boring”) doesn’t help when you have nothing entertaining to say.  I wrote about other people’s kids (which I assume is as boring about writing about my own hypothetical kids).   I will never gain a cult of blog reading minions.  And the world will continue to be a *horrible* place where people lack my useful advice.  Bummer.

At this point we had passed the car. But my friends were curious about the “Sow Hole” license plate, and the guy who picked it. So we slowed down to let the SUV pass us. My husband then confirmed my suspicion, “Yeah. It really does say ‘Sow Hole’. And it did. S-O-W-H-O-L-E. This prompted us to pull out our phones and search the internet for “Sow Hole”. Not much came up, but it all related to pigs. We re-passed the SUV, making snarky comments about the burly dude driving it. If you ever wondered what a someone who loves pigs looks like, he looked like he spent a lot of time at the gym, had these douchey sunglasses with flames on them and his long hair was slicked back in a pony tail.

My husband asked his co-workers the next day, “If you saw a license plate that said ‘S-O-W-H-O-L-E’, would it mean anything other than ‘Sow Hole, I really like pigs!’” They seemed pensive for a moment, and concluded that if they saw it, they would think, “That dude really like pigs”.

It was three days later, as we were driving to work, that my husband said, “I bet he meant: so whole. ” And he probably did. I made a parse error. And, by the power of suggestion, was able to spread that to everyone around me. After I said “Sow Hole”, no one was able to see it as anything else. I wonder if that guy ever imagined that a large group of people saw his plate and thought “That dude really likes pigs.” On the other hand, ‘so whole’ also seems like a kind of pompous, arrogant, superiour, douchey thing to say. Like he is really *that* much better than the rest of us. I think if I had that license plate and had to choose how people interpreted it, I would choose “Sow Hole”. Maybe not.

Anyways, “I’d rather be golfing” doesn’t show support for anything. It is kind of like walking up to stranger and saying “I like puppies” or “Ice cream is yummy”. I mean, I *do* like puppies and ice cream *is* yummy. But I don’t tell random people that. I occasionally tell them to stop being bigoted assholes. And that is want most bumper-stickers-for-a-cause do. I get telling them to support a political candidate who will spend money on education, or to support equal rights for *all* families. And I guess I can understand how someone who passionately thought that Jesus was the only route to salvation might want to share their faith to save others. It annoys me, but I kind of understand. But I don’t understand “I’d rather be golfing”. Why bother sharing? It reminds me of Ralph Wiggum, wander around eating paste and saying, “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

This morning I saw two pink bumper stickers that said, “I’d rather be here and now”. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to be ironic, or if they just were proclaiming something like “I’d rather be fishing”. Both of the drivers looked pretty miserable. On a conceptual level, I could understand the comment either way. I understand thinking “I’d rather live in the present and not spend all my time wishing I was doing something else”. But I would also understand “The only time people will see this is when I am driving to work and back, and really – who likes rush hour traffic? Everyone would rather be fishing you moron”. Both sentiments seem like rather odd things to want to share with strangers (Again, along this lines of “My cat’s breath smells like cat food”). At first, I decided they must have been meant ironicly. I mean, it just makes more sense to me. It seems less like saying “My cat’s breath smells like catfood” and more like saying “I think you’re stupid”. And at least I get why you might tell a random stranger they were being stupid. On the other hand, both of the drivers seemed like middle aged frumpy women – who probably wouldn’t end any statement with “you moron”. So maybe they really were staying “I’d rather be here and now”. Which is sad, because I’d rather be doing almost ANYTHING than sitting in traffic. How bad must their lives be that they would rather be in traffic than at home with their puppies? Maybe they don’t have puppies. That is probably why they looked so miserable.

Anyways, who would buy a pink “I’d rather be here and now” bumper sticker (for either reason)? If you were trying to be funny/ironic – it seems like there are better options. And if you actually mean you would rather be sitting in rush hour traffic, why do you feel the need to tell random strangers that? I just don’t get it.

But come on – the truth is that on the April 2007 list, Krush had a FIDE Rating of 2478, 11th best among active female players. So there are LOTS of other people who could (should?) grace the cover of chess life. And the only reason they keep putting her there is because she isn’t fugly. And I’m sick of it. I want the fugly old guys back. Chess is supposed to be one of those domains where it doesn’t matter if you have facial tics and slightly resemble Winston Churchill on one of his bad days or if it appears that your neck shouldn’t be able to support your head. Your intellect is supposed to finally trump your appearence. And continuing to feature Irina Krush is killing that.

** It is possible that Jennifer Shahade counts as a hot excellent female chess player as well. But it was much easier to take her seriously before she wrote Chess Bitch and was featured on its cover wearing a hot pink wig and fuzzy pink gloves.