kicking puppies is bad

For some reason, I seem to attract friends who are “perfect”.  I’m not sure how this happened, but I have several of these “golden” friends.  They are the “private boarding school” type with rugged good looks who can afford to spend their vacations combating malaria in third world countries.  Or they are the crazy smart (also exceptionally attractive) tech-geeks who got into Google at the beginning and now they have crazy money (are still exceptionally attractive) and can afford to have a private chef cook their locally grown organic vegetarian meals (because, not only are they rich and smart, they are also *so* aware of their carbon footprint).

I’m not really complaining about the success of my friends, although Money magazine did say the key to happiness was to surround yourself with people who have less that you do.  And I have failed at that – which might explain my misery.   According to Money, “Happiness scholars have found that how you stand relative to others makes a much bigger difference to your sense of well-being than how much you make in an absolute sense.”  So maybe I am complaining.  Maybe I should find poorer friends – and that would make me happier.  Anyways, my personal misery isn’t the point of this rant.  The point is that the success of my “golden” friends has created a problem for me:  I don’t know what to say when they get dumped. 

Two of my “golden” friends have relationships that seem to be falling apart.  And normally, when I have a friends who are getting dumped, I can comfort them.  I can use the classic, “Its n0t you, It’s them” line.  I can call the stupid ass who is dumping them a shallow b!tch.  And I can tell them that if s/he can’t see past (insert shallow reason here), s/he doesn’t deserve them.  But what do I say when the person getting dumped has everything.  There is no “shallow” reason to dislike them.  They aren’t getting dumped because they don’t drive a shiny car (they do).  They aren’t getting dumped because they are fugly (they could afford braces so their teeth are shiny and straight, and they can afford a gym membership so their tummy is nice and toned).  They aren’t getting dumped because their girlfriend is an education-snob who scoffs at their public university education (they went to Stanford on scholarship – which they didn’t need because they have that much money).  They aren’t even getting dumped because they don’t have cool life experiences.  They could afford to take two years off and go exploring the South American jungles.  In fact, they are perfect on paper.  The only remaining reason to explain why they are getting dumped is their personality.  In fact, they are getting dumped because someone didn’t like them for who they really are.  And they are smart enough to know this. 

In real life, these “golden” friends are a little bit annoying (aren’t we all?) and you could probably call them douches.  But I can’t comfort them by saying, “I’m sorry s/he couldn’t appreciate you for your money.  Someday you will find someone shallow enough to see beyond the fact that you’re really annoying and just a little bit of a douche.”  So what do I say when someone is getting dumped, and its  because of their doucheyness?

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying that these ”golden” friends are MORE douchey than the rest of us (although some of them might be).  I think MOST of us get dumped because we are annoying and a little bit douchey.  I fully admit that  I regularly got dumped because I am a little bit douchey.  But I didn’t have to face that, because I have so many other failings.  And (because I never had to face that I was a douche) it didn’t wear down my self esteem.  I still think I am a lovely individual.   It must suck to get dumped when you are attractive, rich, healthy, educated and you have cool life experiences.   It must suck quite a lot to have to face that people just don’t like you and you are a douche.