kicking puppies is bad

Recently, I found someone who liked me “just the way I am”.  And I didn’t need to write an egocentric, self-absorbed blog about why someone should love me (which, as it turns out, was a fairly successful dating strategy because I am much wittier and more attractive online).  But when I stopped blogging and didn’t have to maintain an online personality that was a little bit better than I actually am, I stopped trying to be a little better than I actually am.  So, when I stopped blogging, I became a worse person.   

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t kick puppies yet.  I’m still 98% vegetarian.  I still take care of puppies that no one else wants.  I still work at a job that (I hope) makes the world a little bit better of a place (even though I could probably make more money elsewhere).  I still make a fantastic meyer lemon creme brulee (and how could that not make the world a better place?).   But I volunteer less (or not at all?).   And I sit on my ass and watch TV more.  I am a little more pescatarian, and a little less vegetarian.  I don’t pay as much attention to where my food comes from (is it organic?  local? recently, I just don’t care that much…).  I’m not as informed about what is going politically.  As my husband would say, I went from activist to slacktivist.   

There are lots of reasons for this.  It’s partly because I moved 3,000 miles across the country and lost the volunteer network that I was familiar with.  And I don’t like meeting new people – so building a new network is intimidating.  And it is partly because when I moved, I moved in with my in-laws (who are fantastic people, but are still my in-laws).  And when  you live in to someone else’s house, you don’t have as much control over where your food comes from and if it is sustainably harvested.  And when you are really trying not to be rude, you *have* to stop caring a little bit.  And I have a shiny new job, and I want to impress my coworkers with my crazy statistical programming wizardry.  So I have been working long hours – and that doesn’t leave time for silly things like volunteering.   And I don’t want to start any big projects (like getting certified as a foster parent again), because I’m going to be moving soon (out of my in-laws? please?).  And since I don’t know exactly where I am going to end up when I move (out of my in-laws, please?), starting a volunteer job HERE seems silly.   

But this is bad.  It’s bad because one of the reasons that I try SO hard to be nice is because I’m really a bit of horrible person.  I use volunteering and vegetarianism to “buy” karma-offset.  I’ve spent most of the past month wishing that a certain person would become HORRIBLY, painfully constipated or that he would end up with horrible ass-acne.  Not just the ugly kind that means he won’t be getting any play, but the oozy, painful kind – that pops when you sit down.  I mean, I don’t want to cause any permanent damage (hence the wishing for horrible constipationa and ass acne instead of testicular cancer).  But he seriously is evil.  And he really does deserve some kind of pain.  And thinking that he has oozy, painful ass-acne that goes “splat!” every time he sits down makes me feel better.  In fact, I smile every time I imagine him sitting down.   As I write this, I’m smiling because I’m thinking about it.  But without the volunteering, and the conscious effort to eat sustainable foods, and the foster care and everything else that I used to do (but am apparently to lazy to do now), I have nothing to offset all the bad Karma that my evilness is generating. 

So I’m starting the blog again, hoping that if I start writing my egocentric, self-indulgent drivel once again,  I will actually have to think about what kind of person I am on a regular basis.  And hopefully it will motivate me to actually BE a better person.  And I can offset all the bad Karma.  And then some cosmic force will think I am a good enough person to not be stuck living with my in-laws (please?  pretty please?  give me a house, dammit!).