kicking puppies is bad

For those of you who are used to my bizarre incoherent journal rants (often involving gummi bears, and the incompetence of my acquaintances), I’m afraid you will be disappointed today. Today, I am actually asking for your opinion on something. I usually don’t actually care – I promise that today is an exception. Rest assured that my next journal entry will go back to me whining about everyone who happens to unlucky enough to cross my path.My family generally makes a big deal about Christmas. I don’t mean in a “Jesus-Love” sort of way, but in a “Yay! Yummy food, time off work, Christmas lights are sparkley and we get presents” sort of way. My mom says we are “Culturally Christian”. I think what she means is that we get accept Santa, and Rudolf and all the other commercialized aspects of the holidays that don’t have anything to do with Jesus, but we reject the Jesus-y parts. And I’m cool with that. Jesus and I aren’t exactly friends.

Anyways, my Mom has traditionally hosted Christmas Eve dinner (which is by far the bigger celebration in our house). My grandma has hosted Christmas Day. But my Grandma is old. And tired. And spends most of her time trying to get my Grandpa to keep his pants on. And she can’t really handle hosting Christmas Day dinner anymore. So earlier this year my mom announced she would host both. And I feel bad. And I was thinking of offering to host Christmas Day.

The problem is, Christmas (for my family) is a celebration where we embrace the important Christian virtue of gluttony. Yes, my family really likes food (especially chocolate). But I am vegetarian (except for gummi bears). And I’m not about to serve roast beast (or turducken, or any other animal flesh). And I’m also not about to subject my family to the joy of tofurkey (It’s awful. It really doesn’t taste like turkey. And it has a scary texture. Don’t let the clever name fool you).

So before I actually offer to cook dinner and host a large group of family members in my tiny house, I thought I would ask your opinion. Because if I offer, my mom will probably be too polite to say no. But I don’t want people to be disappointed, after all it Christmas – the random day people decided to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus. So, for once, I actually care what you have to say. I was wondering if normal people would be disappointed with a Christmas dinner that contained:

Roasted Vegetable Cornicopia’s with (non-meaty) Gravy, Homemade Farmhouse Rolls, Pear and Walnut Salad with Wheat Beer Vinaigrette, Mashed Potatoes with Sage and White Cheddar, Crisp Haricots Verts with Pine Nuts, Cranberry Sauce with Port and Dried Figs, and Lemon Creme Brulee.

Would you eat it? Would you complain to my face? Would you complain behind my back? Would you starve rather than consume my non-meaty Christmas feast? Would you leave hungry and go home and binge on gummi bears and Arby’s nasty almost-beef? Would you pray to Jesus that I die a horrible fiery death for ruining the holiday that celebrates the random day that historians agree he probably wasn’t born on?