kicking puppies is bad

I don’t actually think I have super powers. I’m fairly certain that when I wish horrible fiery death on people, it doesn’t make them more likely to die a horrible fiery death. Except that several of these people have actually had horrible fiery things happen to them.

My fifth grade teacher was evil. I hated her. And I was a pretty nice kid. I rarely wished that bad things would happen to anyone at that point in my life. But she was really evil (like the hypothetical offspring of Ellen Fein and Dick Chaney would be). And I really did hope that Mrs. P. would die a horrible fiery death. Then she developed Multiple Sclerosis. And I felt really, really bad. Looking back I realize that I probably had nothing to do with her MS. But at the time I was slightly traumatized and accepted partial responsibility.

And there was this professor I worked with in grad school who got hit by a bus. He was also exceptionally evil. He got hit by a bus before I got to grad school. I take no responsibility for that incident. But while I was his student, I spent a considerable amount of time hoping it would happen again. And then it did. I’m pretty certain that this indicates his carelessness more than my super powers. I mean, how do you get hit by a bus TWICE? But I felt slightly guilty. I felt guilty until he recovered. Then I kind of wished the bus had been going a little faster.

At some point I decided to stop wishing that horrible fiery things would happen to other people. It isn’t really because I don’t want horrible fiery things to happen to them. It is because the mild guilt makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable. But I still have repressed anger. And it still makes me feel better to imagine horrible things happening to horrible people. So now I wish the evil people in my life prolonged, but fairly mild discomfort. If you find you have extended episodes of constipation or discover that you acquired throat herpes while at Burning Man, it might be the evil vibes that I am sending your way. You probably should have been nicer to me.