kicking puppies is bad

This month my ballroom studio has been having Thursday night theme parties. I don’t like theme parties. And ballroom seems to pick exceptionally weird themes. This makes the theme parties even more ridiculous. I’m not sure if the themes have been odd because many of the instructors are not native to the United States and there are cultural differences or if there is some other reason. Perhaps the weird themes are the result of ballroom dancers’ slightly abnormal social skills. I’m voting for cultural differences. Hey, if cultural differences could explain my grandmother’s fondness for borscht, surely they can explain weird party themes at ballroom.

In the past, chosen themes have included “Hat Party”, “Father’s Day Party”, “Talent Party”, “Cielito Lindo”, “80s Party” and “Generic Birthday Party” (Generic because it wasn’t actually anyone’s birthday). Somehow these just don’t seem like typical themes for theme parties. I suppose “80′s Party” passes for a theme in the real world. But “Father’s Day Party”?!? Have you ever heard of a “Father’s Day Party”?

At one point the instructors were having a contest to see who could throw the best Party. Students had to vote on the theme parties. “Funny Hat Party” and “Cielito Lindo” won. “Funny Hat Party”? Ballroom dancers are weird — excluding me, of course. I am perfectly normal. Given the weirdness of ballroom dancers, I’m almost shocked that Father’s Day Party didn’t win. Father’s Day Party?!? I still don’t understand “Father’s Day Party” (and I attended it).

But I am mostly ranting right now because I hate theme parties in general. Theme parties are something that were obnoxious in college when they were hosted by evil fraternities or perky resident hall advisors. But they were supposed to go away when I graduated college and joined the real world. The frat boys were supposed to go off to become used car salesmen. And when the frat boys disappeared, they were supposed to take the theme parties with them. I was never supposed to be expected to dress up as a pirate *ever* again.

Ballroom is supposed to be graceful. Ballroom is supposed to classic. Ballroom is *never* supposed to be Hawaiian, Pirate-y or Coboy-ish of funny-hat-like. Ballroom is not supposed to be “father’s day themed” either. I should never be expected to wear a grass skirt and coconut bra while foxtrotting. And I should also not have to worry about accidentally impaling myself on my partner’s pirate sword. I hate theme parties. I especially hate ballroom theme parties.